"You have that sharp, useless look about you."
Los Angeles couples and singles struggle to withstand the whirlwind that is Valentine's Day.
Not since my High School's attempt at Back to the Future: The Musical have I scene such a long list of talented names attached to such a terrible production. And by terrible production I mean, crap-fest. And by crap-fest, I mean I want my money back.
I knew as soon as I walked out of the theater that a standard review wasn't going to work for this movie. I flat out had too many complaints. So to save time, length, and sanity, I've decided to write this review as a list. I'm simply going to voice my complaints as a list. Also, there will be no "Reel Deal Recommends" at the end of this review for two reasons: A.) There would be far too many names to put on the list. B) As a punishment to every member of the cast.
So, for your literary consumption, I present: 10 things I hate about Valentine's Day.
1.) There were far too many stories.
2.) Of all of those stories, it's obvious writer Katherine Fugat only really cared about 2 or 3 because the rest are so thinly plotted that the heavy sighs of all the teenage girls ogling Taylor Lautner could have blown them off the screen. Not to mention that they're resolved in stupidly simple ways that just scream: "We ran out of ideas!"
3.) Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift.
4.) That those big three stories are actually pretty decent, which makes me resent that I had to sit through the rest of the tacked on lot just to get them. Thinning the rif-raff out of this screenplay could have left Director Gary Marshall with a decent romantic-comedy. But instead we get enjoyable players like Hector Elizondo sitting on their thumbs.
5.) Attempts at "randomly" connecting all of the characters that usually came off completely forced.
6.) That it wasn't me kissing Jennifer Garner.
7.) The soundtrack. It's composed completely of pop songs that contain even a single word that relates back to what's happening on the screen, or scoring that I can only describe as what must play in the elevator of Match.coms headquarters.
8.) That it's so obviously trying to be Love, Actually but fails miserably because it lacks the basic talent that that movie brought to the ball game, and the subtlety that made it's "web" of characters work. And where Love, Actually shows us many forms of love and does so at Christmas, Valentine's Day focuses on romance and does so on -you guessed it- Valentine's day. Insisting that every time a character is about to do anything even slightly romantic, they scream out that fact like a battle cry.
9.) That the one thing this movie does do that Love, Actually does not- which is acknowledge gay relationships- is done with fear and trepidation; barely letting the couple touch, and making them the only romantic pairing who don't kiss.
10.) That the only characters this movie feels comfortable with letting end up alone at the end, are the ones that they so directly made sure we hated by then. Because only "bad" people end up dateless on Valentine's Day right? Since being alone on Valentine's Day is obviously the worst thing that can possibly happen to you, right?
Put simply my friends, Valentine's Day is a sugary sweet, confection of a movie. And like most candies it has the ability to fill you without offering any nutritional value. To anyone who got dragged to this movie this weekend, I offer my sincere apologies. To everybody else, count your lucky stars you made it through the gauntlet. I'd count yourselves safe now, as I'm sure know one will be seeing this movie now that the big day has come and gone.