Saturday, November 21, 2009

Five!!: Lovable Losers
Spoilers spoilers everywhere, and not a drop to drink...

No matter how much you may like or dislike the franchise, Twilight had made a place for itself long before the first movie ever debuted. And now that the first movie has come and cemented the saga 's place in pop culture- ignoring it is a bit, well- ignorant. We both know that New Moon is going to leaving a smoking crater where the box office once was (and indeed already has, I just read that it set a new midnight showing record last night) so- glittery or no- these vampire's don't seem to be going anywhere. To maintain a movie blog and not mention these films would be just plain dishonest.
So I've decide to post a Five!! Inspired by the story arc anyone half paying attention knew was coming about 15 minutes into the first film. Lovable losers is dedicated to all the male characters that are just as handsome, just as smart, just as interesting, and often even more devoted than guys they inevitably come in second to. It's also my male answer to Beautiful Ugly Girls, as you'll usually find these two character architypes in the same movies (and because I felt a little sexist). So, without further ado here is my list:

The Loser: Lon Hammond Jr.
The Winner: Noah Calhoun
The Movie: The Notebook
We'll start with a straight forward pick to get the ball rolling. Lon lost the girl because he was honest, dependable, and had a decent haircut- things everybody knows will scare off any self respecting hottie. Maybe if he'd been off banging his dead best friends wife too, Noah wouldn't have been able to get an edge on him. But Lon was to busy actually being there for Allie and proposing, actually trying to build a life together... you know all the boring stuff.
The Lesson: Actions speak louder than words, gifts speak louder than actions, and a free house speaks loudest of all.

The Loser: Dr. Manhatten
The winner: Dan Dreiberg (Nite Owl)
The Movie: Watchmen
Far be it for me to put down a woman who can't say no to a man who looks like Patrick Wilson, but I don't think I really have to list all the things Doc had to offer. Sure he can be a bit stiff, but how do you complain about the one thing a guy can't do when he can do everything else! You ask me, a girl willing to let a tiny thing like a guy leaving the galaxy stop her doesn't deserve such a catch.
The Lesson: Ladies dig pants.

The Loser: Alfred Ludlow
The winner: Tristan Ludlow
The Movie: Legneds of the Fall
This pick may seem a bit off since in the end she marries Alfred, but let's take a closer look. There's the marriage sure, but she chooses Tristan first, only marrying Alfred when Tristan dissapears and continues to want him long after she says "I do." And let's not forget that when career jerk Tristan comes back she's still in love him (though married) and sneaks chances to see him. Then, as if that's not enough- she kills herself when she can't handle the fact that Tristan's moved on. So who's the real winner here?
The Lesson: There's nothing more irresistable than an uncaring jackass.

The Loser: Chuck Noland
The winner: Gary Lovett
The Movie: Cast Away
Here's one that as much as you root for the loser, there was no other way for things to go. We may have wanted Chuck to fight for Kelly, but we also knew he would have had to break up her family to win. And doing that would undo the "Lovable" part of "Lovable Loser".
The Lesson: Sometimes you just have to take your ball and go home.

The Loser: Johnny 5
The Winner: Newton Crosby
The Movie: Short Circuit
He's not just interested in learning more about you, he's absolutely excited to. He craves input! Not to mention he's caring, willing to change, and has treads for feet. Also, Johnny 5 is alive- something nobody can know for sure about Steve Gutenberg these days... Johnny has an armor piercing shoulder mounted laser cannon for pete's sake! Unless your the Predator, you can't really top that. And we all know Predator is way to into his career to even think about right now. The Lesson: Never trust Steve Gutenberg.

Have any lovable losers you swear by? Let me know! Unless it's Duckie... Five!! out.

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